Another bottle lost at sea

Hi! Welcome to The 21st Muse!

Let me start by saying – It’s always tough starting something from the ground up. Most of us get excited by the glistening prospect of an idea and take the first steps to realising it. However, usually only the “realising” you’re doing is realising you have no idea what the fuck you had in mind anyway. Well, if that’s not the case for most people, it certainly is the case for me.

What do I have in mind for this blog?

In 2013, it was reported there have been 152 million blogs created. That’s 7 times the population of Shanghai! After a brief google and a read on Quora it was pointed out that it’s difficult to gauge the exact figure of active blogs, due to the fact so many of these left alone, abandoned in the endless sea of the internet by people who mostly seem to have had the exact thought process as aforementioned.

Yeaah, that’s a little sad but also definitely humbling..So many people have given up on the lightbulb moment they had for themselves – a medium of expression, an outlet of personal insight..Maybe they felt like they had nothing to say. On the other hand, it’s quite lovely. I can’t help but wonder if those people found something they truly believed in, or met the love of their life and had a family – who knows?

So, what do I have to bring to the table? What’s important to me? Why do I feel the compulsion to make this idea stick?

It’s simple. I want to share my insight on the world we live in today. Through Poetry, Photography, Journals and Music.

I don’t suppose it’ll to be anything particularly groundbreaking or remarkably special. I don’t expect it to revolutionise the way people blog, become famous, or any of that. I just want to have a place to express my ideas and creativity to perfect strangers. Possibly to help them grow. They might see things in common with the way I think and have some hope restored. Maybe I’ll find I have something truly important to say and it can be said to someone who is seeking a voice, without feeling afraid of condemnation..

The 21st Century is a cold time to be alive. There’s the whole dispute over whether it’s better than ever or worse..But there is an undisputable fact – “UNICEF estimates that an average of 353,000 babies are born each day around the world” (The World Counts)..

So why do you matter? What is your contribution to society? Why does that matter? You will be gone soon, so will I and all of the memories, thoughts, hopes and dreams will have evaporated with you.

With this in mind, my thinking is it’s better to keep a documentation of the things that I think and care about, because it’s important to me that they are said, rather than not. Of course, one of Platos more famous quotes rings truer than ever in my ears. But, when I pass, this might be all that is left of my mind.

For that reason, I think we all have something to say.

——————————————————–

J.M – The 21st Muse

“Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something” – Plato

No Form

I’m here again.

I thought I’d left it all behind but I still have one foot in the swamp.

I’ve had my face turned to the sun, ignored the shadows and turned the other cheek.

Today I put the pieces of the puzzle together. I was feeling good.

It’s warm in here, but I feel bitterly cold.

My eyes are welling up, but I can’t cry.

Nothing is as important as it was yesterday, I know this feeling too well.

 

Peripheral

I seem to fixate on ‘orbital’ problems. Little things that pop up and rest in my peripheral every day. The kind of problems that are generated by overthinking, and of course, for this reason don’t exist in the real world.

It’s occured to me that these are the kind of problems that would not exist if I took a blow to the side of the head and woke up 2 days later in a ditch with amnesia, with nothing to identify myself, except the clothes I was wearing and my wallet.

That’s because it all radiates from a central problem.  A pattern of thought. It could be a personality trait that has been over-emphasised, a neurosis, or flaw such as anxiety or obsessiveness.. If you can fix that, then you will be a new person. A better person.

A method of approaching this, is to focus on being as happy as you can be with every decision you take, every unfortunate, bullshit thing then you will be. All you have to do is alter that unhealthy mindstate, then your orbital problems will evaporate. They are a mere symptom of one small disorder that is ruling your thought. Neural pathways that have been incorrectly formed. The brilliant thing is we can rely on science as evidence for change. These are not just bullshitty inspirational lines – they are apparatus. It’s no small task changing your brain chemistry. To reprogram the way your body works is a long term process that can’t be acheived in  a month; but I feel as though it is possible through long term goals.

The usual process for me is to – Make a plan to get better, focus on getting better to my maximum potential, losing hope, and falling back into a trough.

Instead, it should be – Make a plan to get better. Focus on making your goal to be as acceptant about bad things as possible. Don’t think on them for too long, don’t think ahead. Reflect for 10, 15 mins a day; and then think no more on it. Live in the present, go find something to do. See what you have acheived in 4 months.

For me, it’s worrying. My father was a worrier, and so am I. I need to do what I do, relax, and get on with things.

J.M – The 21st Muse

BIT BY BIT

Sometimes life is not white nor black,

but dont keep looking back,

it’s not etched in ink,

..it’s best not to think.

 

You are the looking glass,

eyes that see dying grass,

to one an emerald,

to one, nature, unsettled.

 

Life is alright, life too, is tight,

life can shit from a great height,

but bit by bit it bites and holds,

real crumpled as it unfolds.

 

Realitys key is not to try,

to be happier than the next guy.

 

J.M – The 21st Muse

 

Everything is temporary.

 

Jaded

So I’m glad I managed to open up my blog again. I think if I’d have left it any later my first post about ditching blogs would have hit home with me. I think if I’m ever going to leave it. I’ll probably write a post about how ironic my opening post was. Seeing as I’m on the subject; I just want to say this –

I don’t think anyone is going to read this blog and aspire to live their life like I do. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, to be quite honest. So if you’re interested in seeing how someone will mental illness copes (or doesnt) with everyday life and what they have to say about it – then this blog is for you.

Anyway, moving on to some stuff that has been bothering me..

I’m a massive science fiction fan – I love the stories, I love the universes and usually the aesthetic given it’s gritty enough, or rather, not too spick ‘n’ span as it were.. So any sci-fi buff has encountered the parallel universe scenario. Whether its Fringe, Doctor Who, The Twilight Zone, Donnie Darko, The Matrix..The list goes on.

So naturally, one quesiton that is bound to come up when you combine depression, anxiety and this interest..
“What if I’m living in the alternate reality where I made a bad choice and this is the one where it turned out bad?” and “There is a universe where I am happy and have everything I want, but which choice was the catalyst and how far back was it?”

Either way, it’s irrelevant. I’m here and I’m broken on so many levels. So many that at first, I was on track. I knew what was wrong with me. I could quantify it, take notes and to try and fix it. But over the past few months it got harder and harder to keep doing that..It’s all got too unreal. I don’t know what I’ve convinced myself is true and what is actually fact. I can’t I can’t figure out what people want from me. What is my purpose? Why should I be in a room fake smiling, talking to you about the weather or how silly Donald Trump is, or how that producer is ridiculously good? I thought for a while that surrounding myself with loved ones that I can trust would help. But of course it doesnt, people say that they love you but really they are in love with the idea of you. In my experience, if they love you they are blind. They love what you could be, not what you are. They accept your flaws no matter how much they destroy you.

Over the course of a year I have watched myself go from being a new person, to a crippled version of myself. I’ve either driven everyone away or they have walked away. I am not capable of being a better man than my father. I am a failure in stasis.

For as long as I can remember i’ve been worrying or struggling and just wasting my life thinking. I just want it to stop. I don’t want to think like this anymore. I want to start again, to be happy. To not be me, for all my horrible flaws big and small. I want to be a new person, a fighter. An honorable person, who people respect. Someone who knows what is important, whos core values are built around fighting for something that is important. I’m not that person. My core values are not what I want them to be. I’m sat behind the eyes of a machine I don’t want to control. I don’t know how to replace my heart and my head, how to relax, so I numb myself. My life is one big rollercoaster – like most are, except mine lacks the thrill. Instead it has been replaced by looming terror, paranoia and pangs of guilt.

I don’t know anything about my future. I guess that’s the beauty of it. But, I know I will be the one to steal it. I don’t know when, but I’m close.

 

 

Fears of the space

I’m going through the hardest time of my life at the moment. It’s takes first spot over my childhood shit, leaving home, fighting drug abuse, and breaking up with my first love.

For the past month I’ve been struggling with my mental health. It’s been a series of painful revelations and realisations for me, and some kicks in the head from other people along the way. My friends have all gone home or moved away. My best friend lives in another country. I have no partner. My father has called me crazy and disowned me, and naturally I’ve lost contact with my brother too from the lies that have been spun to him. The only family I have contact with is my mother, who I don’t want to worry.

I’ve realised a lot about myself. I’ve asked myself why I push people away. I found out it’s because I care about them more than I care for myself. I want them to be happy and I can’t help there. I know I’m going to be miserable, I just don’t know when or why.

This year had been a year of beautiful success for me. I’ve moved cities, started a new university course and been self reliant. Albeit I had some struggles along the way, but nothing major. But then we broke up for summer.

My fears of the space and lack of support sending me on downward spiral have now come true. I’m sat at the bottom of a self-destructive mess having lost my job due to a mental breakdown. I’m literally penniless, exhausted and alone. I’ve sat by the motorway twice in the past week and thought deeply about my suicide. Evaluated it..

At the end of my reflection all I see is that I have nothing except my this blog and my music. These are the only things I have to contribute to the world, and nobody even knows about them.

I need to find the strength somehow to pick myself up and try again, but I can’t. I care less about myself than when I picked myself up last time, because I failed again. I feel pangs of guilt for being the way I am. Like I’m broken and wasting this life that other people find so fruitful and exhillerating – but I can’t change it.

I’m desperately trying to.

Despite how hard I try to stabilise myself and keep things on track, I have fallen again, 10X harder than the last time. It’s not about being a waste of space, it’s about being a waste of life. I only hope that I find a way to get up again.

J.M – The 21st Muse

Time to preside

B. P. D,

Found out, and couldn’t cry if I’d tried,

Was perception the eye that had lied?

So brittle, bound by unstable compound,

Those letters little, but somewhat profound,

It should be better, better inside,

But it takes some time, time to preside.

Now I see.

J.M – The 21st Muse

 

 

 

The ripples you stir.

Have you ever wondered what life would be, without the ripples you stir?

Have you looked back at the footsteps you left, and tracked the saboteur?

Do you ask yourself and beg to know, how dark the shadows are?

Do you know how harsh the truth, how hard it was to come this far?

J.M – The 21st Muse

——————————————————————————————————————

I would like to share a personal tale/some advice that I feel is important for teens and young adults alike. I don’t claim to know all the answers, but this is just something I’ve put together from my experiences of toxic parenting, acceptance and understanding..

Life is hard, man.

I always felt like my struggle was the best thing about me.. I’ve grown up with a narcissistic father and a young mother – a pretty shitty combination – but definitely not a rare one.

I grew up in a suburban town – it was no ghetto – but we were much poorer than most there and I never felt as though I belonged. Every time I expressed a niche interest or idea that wasn’t popular I was bullied and ridiculed by my peers. Again, common. I never understood why and as a result there was a hell of an emotional kickback on my part. I tried to develop a thick skin, get into locally accepted interests such as Football, gaming and sports – but it never felt right for me, I felt like an oddball.

At home, my family was always one of arguments. If my brother and I bickered or acted up (like children do), we would be subject to 3 hour long lectures from my father – and if my mother tried to cut it short she would be undermined and lectured too.

These shitty aspects of my life built an immense feeling of pressure inside of me as a child, and even more so as a teenager. I felt as though I was on my own, had no-one to confide in and those who did listen would ridicule me. I had to make people proud. I had to be perfect. So I started rebelling and making stupid mistakes because it was easier than trying and failing. I never wanted to get anything wrong, but I seemed to be all the time, so why not actively fuck things up?

I could never understand why my life was this way, why I lived somewhere that was inhabited with people that wanted to crush my dreams, tell me I was weird or that I wasn’t good enough. I left home at 16 and spent my late teens trying to find ‘my people’, putting myself through all kinds of experiences both social and career based – just to prove to myself that I was strong and I could do anything. Obviously this has its pros and cons. When it went well it was great – confidence boost! But when it went wrong, boy did it do more damage than it was worth.

I’m thankful I met my Ex. She was 21, had two children and was struggling on her own to make a difference for her kids. She taught me that it was okay to be a loner. That you had to be humble and mindful of your ego, and that your happiness isn’t dependent on your success or perfection, but instead your personal sense of accomplishment..That you did the best you could.

Meeting her showed me that I was becoming my father, I felt just like he had when he became a parent. I realised how weak he really was. How his ego crippled his ability to learn about himself and grow into a better person, and now he is settled in his ways, solidified as a lesson to me.

I spoke to my mother recently and asked her why we moved from my hometown to the suburbs. It turns out, my father had his own selfish reasons for moving us to a town that would attempt to stifle my development, and I still struggle not to hold that against him.

I could sit here and tell you that this was unfair, unjust and that the decision he made resulted in years of bullying and isolation, and that my mistakes were on him. But I wont. There was no way he could have known what the people were like in that town and how I would grow up to be. I’m sure he thought it had it’s benefits. The fact is, I can’t change that.

Life is a series of challenges. It’s about finding the strength to swim through the crap bits, and without those, we stagnate. It is about self-acceptance. Contrary to what that might imply, self-acceptance is not about being satisfied with our flaws and not trying to change them; but instead accepting that there are flaws with causes that might not always be in your control, and being more forgiving of yourself and others.

A little birdy (and some astute observation) has shown me that my father also had issues with his father, who most probably had issues with his father before him, too. Their failure to forgive their parents and learn from their mistakes has passed the problem down to the next generation.

Life is a lake. Every action we take can have a ripple effect on those around us and our own actions further down the line, with everything.

Who knows what would have happened if I had grown up with a mindful and tolerant father, or was accepted by my peers. Would I ever have had to struggle the same, try to find my own path and learn from the mistakes? Of course. It just would’ve been a different struggle, equally as hard. It’s important to avoid being arrogant about my fathers failings, because one day, I will be forced to make decisions for my children that won’t have perfect outcomes.

If you ever feel like you’re fighting an uphill struggle, you are. You may feel like it isn’t fair, but life isn’t fair. You don’t choose to be born just like you don’t choose who to be born by, you just have to take it for what it is and try to grow out of it.

If you come from a toxic family, you should try to see things ultimately, animalistically; your purpose in life is to build off your parents progress and create healthy offspring. So, try your hardest to be understanding of your parents, no matter how fucked they are, because they most likely didn’t understand their parents, and that’s why they were the next toxic link in the chain. Do your best to be happy in yourself, to forgive your parents and pass the lessons you have learned onto your children one day so that they can do better than you. Even your parents failures can be successful lessons.

To conclude, nobody is perfect. Accept the mistakes of others as well as yours, celebrate your successes and keep clearing your path to happiness. Be mindful of the ripples you stir.

J.M – The 21st Muse

 

 

 

Blue Sky Charred Black

Blue sky, bleached and charred today,

Truth lied to me and preached to stay.

Immeasurable pressure, pressed upon,

A condemnable measure, a stressing one.

Mindfully minding the maze of the mind,

Hopefully hiding the haze inclined.

Trickling coal tears are breaking the back,

Fickling the willing, so aching for black.

J.M – The 21st Muse

 

Monophonic Woman

Monophonic woman,

She’s startled by everything,

She chooses to mind,

A car is a tragedy.

Monophonic woman,

Did you just hear that?!

…She’s losing her mind,

They’re acting diff’rently,

Monophonic woman,

Her tin ears ring,

She loses her mind,

In search of answers, see,

Monophonic woman,

She’s sat where I’m at,

She’s lost her mind,

Where does she need to be?

J.M – The 21st Muse